So far....

So this is what i can make of it, so far.

I really don't know what to make of it. I am alone. Ravel broke my heart. He broke it as much as he loved it. This wasn't my first love by far, but this was my greatest love. I know this sounds stupid, but i can't talk bad about him. I have been beaten and bruised, destroyed completely and abused, physical, sexually, and mentally. I've had boyfriends who hurt me and hated me, who controlled me and made me into nothing. Made me less then dirt. Made me without friends and family. Made me lose not only them but myself.

But Ravel is not one of any of those. He loved me and took care of me. My family is back in my life, i have tons of friends. I wouldn't know anyone in this apartment if i never met Ravel. When he and me had hard times, they would of been sweet times in my past relationships. He was selfish and ignored me sometimes yes. He was a bit of a pervert and really didn't define a true passion for anything besides tits. So he wasn't perfect. He made mistakes and sometimes i exaggerated it to be the worst i dealt with. However to my defense, you never tell a boyfriend what is truly this or that.

A past boyfriend tried to hit my father with his car. I never told Ravel as long as he thanked my dad for buying food and didn't hit him with his car... my father would love him.

However i lost all of that over not being selfish. I didn't want to hang out and drink and waste money over something i felt, he should have time to be with just friends. I am not needed at every moment of everyday. I know this. Even if i don't always use the best self control over it.

The point is, I can't be mad at Ravel. I really wish i could. I really wish i could do more then break a bunch of plates. Then show my angry over frying pans and the ceramic plates, bowels, salad plates and three little mugs.(15 piece set) But it was fun to think i bought a whole set of dishes with the sole purpose of destroying them.

I will miss him. He was the best boyfriend, to say the very least, the best man i have ever had in my life. Before him there was almost no me. If i feel this way and he dumped me like yesterday's news, how can i even think of being surprised over someone else wanting him. If i was looking in the perfect little life we had it would be easy to see it could be my own. It can't though. Without me, without him, we are missing one half of this perfect relationship. Simply filling in a spot with another random person will never get the same magical by chance outcome we got.

What i am saying is Ravel and me, Laura, had a real kind of love. One i would of done anything to keep a hold of, however i understand sometimes people make the wrong decision. This i believe was one of them for me. I think my best interest would have me where i should be, which is where i was. I can't decide for him.

Though there's not a lot of times i've been single in my life. So i am not just going to piss this off to the side. I also have not slept in two days, in fear that i will wake up and this will not just be some crazy dream. This might sound weird, my letter, i hope it does get my point across in the way i meant it.