TODAY WAS GREAT!

SO TODAY WAS GREAT!

IT WAS SOOOOOO FUCKING GREAT!!!

Her life is up in smokes. I found out Ravel deleted her from facebook and has decided he can't deal with all her crazy bitchiness. She is FUCKING NUTS! I serious think this is asylum crazy. Not just normal crazy bitch. BUT NUTS! Call the men with the white coats! There is a CRAZZY on the loose! Running barefoot in the streets! SOMEONE CALL THE MEN IN LAB COATS!
Sorry i will try to cut that out!

So anyways i haven't got any texts from the psycho, but if i was her i wouldn't text me either.
If you are the loser of the playground, you don't mess with the biggest baddest bitch on the playground. And i am the baddest bitch on the playground.

It must really suck when Ravel breaks up with me and is all alone and still wants nothing to go with your trashy ass. I mean come on really, i was the perfect girlfriend. Who is going to want that piece of shit, over this? That's the question that has been clearly answer through all this.

God i love when everything is clear and i really don't have to say anything at all, but i do anyways.

You mess with the bull, you get the horns!

This morning is so much better. Ravel came over and apologized until i fell asleep. I woke up and my legs didn't hurt so much and They found my box FULL of chocolate stuff i LOVE! My mommy loves me so much. I am listening to No doubt and it is cloudy. If it rains today it'll be perfect. I am wearing my favorite shirt today and am excited about crocheting for three hours. Not weaving I'm in big trouble there. I am going to smile at hot bus guys today and then check craiglist for men who are already in love with me. Just so i know they are out there. I got to go do my make and teeth and look super fine today.

Bikes, Whores, and Boxes.

So today was so lame.
I tried to fix Ravel's bike forever. I got one wheel off of mine, I was just going to get him my wheels, and then couldn't get the other so i when to see if his would come off. NO. Took me forever to remember his bike code and get the lock off. I tried forever to get the rusty washers off. No can do. You need a robot to get them off.
We are friends and i feel horrible about fucking up his bike, so as a good sign forwards him not hating me, i really worked hard to fix it.

Today wasn't the day to try however, i can hardly stand and i can't take how bad the pain in my legs are. I don't know why but they hurt soo bad and are really tight. It feels like some magic hand of god is holding them all the time. They are heavy and weight me down. I am about to just cut them off. Maybe i can get Ravel my wheelchair wheels to make up for popping his bike tires. I fucking hate bikes. I only got my bike because Ravel was all of a sudden in love with bikes.

To top it off he can't just be a man and tell her to fuck off and die. He wants to be "friends." He wants to just make everyone happy all the time. Make everyone his fucking friend. I hate all of this. I can't believe i was all sorry i ruined your bike. I'm glad we are still friends. What a DUMBASS! She is a stupid whore but he isn't helping this any. I hope she plays in traffic. I hope she takes that guy home we heard about last night at yogurt story.
He is a fucking moron and he is taking me down with him. I am trying to be fucking nice but really. I'm not a moron and i know how to be a great. I can find a new guy friend who understands my art and my basic life.
I actually am looking for a guy to take me out, not in a real important way but it can be. I can get me a guy if i really want. That guy on the bus if i said hi i would of had a date. I would bet on it.

Whatever on top of the moron parade i am beginning to think i am not only watching. My Heart break box got stolen that my mom sent to me in the mail. Today is a parade of suck, right in the middle of my lunch hour!

Just Thoughts

Thoughts were never meant for words,
Mostly seen and read by all the wrong folks,
But dying is still not on the to do list,
By this I mean I also need beer,
Sober will bring me nowhere,
Exciting or whatever,
Fuck what did I put on the record player again,
Scratching vinyl over leaving lovers,
Wanting to have love,
Really love, love is an abandoned ship,
Kiss your husband goodnight,
Forget about love, true love,
Disney has left the building,
The ship is going over,
I on the iceberg watching star-crossed losers,
No tulips, No apples, No moonlight,
No perfect shades of brown in unforgotten spheres,
They are FORGOTTEN!
No one think of them,
Knowing what I know and nothing more,
Still talking so close the warm breath feels cool,
But only for a second,
Pausing and questioning my stupidity at the thought,
Leaning in for another closely connecting word,
How deep is this cut?
Will it heal this time?

Water Water on the Seas.

I hate this feeling this feeling that i am losing everything by being selfish. I asked God for a sign as what i should do. I had a dream we went back out but you beat me up. I don't know what that is suppose to mean and i am deciding it was fear and that God has decided this is up to me. How ever at whataburger they had out those gift cards. Like the one in which you stole and wrote how i was perfect no matter who i was with and always to be happy. Nothing makes me happier then a bubble bath with cat power. Getting my hair brushed and kisses on my face. Breakfast in the mornings and breakfast in the nights. I miss sleeping in all day. Drinking coffee and watching the snow fall. Wrapped in blankets. Playing the nes in our underwear. You on level 50 in dr. mario. Me on level 3. I loved that day. Us watching your stupid 7 movies over and over.
We lived in bars and danced on tables. How is one suppose to just replace the most perfect part of ones' life? There's nothing like living in a bottle. All our Juno jokes. Thundercats aren't doing anything any more, they grew old and live in wheelchairs. They aren't really going at all.
You were suppose to call at eight. I know i was cutting up my hair with the girls. Then we when out and talked about how cute this guy was at the shop we when too. Regine and me went to the boy's place and then whataburger. But i missed you.
I wish this was all so easy again. I wish when we hung out it wasn't so horrible for me. I wish she never existed. I worry her only purpose in life was a test, not for you, but me. So far i feel like i am failing at everything.
I feel like i had no soul. Like a zombie without reason, I don't want to be in this state forever. I just want to be happy, but that has been stolen from me. I had no choice. I know this is why i am not ready to date anyone. But also i only saw the good side and i worry it wasn't the real side, but these moments make me know it is.

Met another cute boy while he was watching my boobs. Winners.

So it's Thursday and i believed i failed you weekend. I still have no set crush. There is a cute guy at scad. He should move here and talk about Batman with me. Its not that there isn't anyone here i just don't know how to approach a stranger and be like hay you're cute. I'm super awesome wanna buy me food and enjoy each others company. I dont know how to attract guys i do know. I am also just kind of waiting out for someone to come to me, I don't feel like be rejected right now since i'm not completely crushing on anyone. My door is still open. Come on sweep me off my feet with some kind of date you hear about them kids doing in the 50s. Movie. Dinner. Putt Putt. (Shut it! You'll be jealous. Of me and my putt putt hot stuff talking about batman guy.)

Ok i am just kind of bored. There was a kind of cute guy on the bus. He was super cute but he didn't talk to me. I think he was thinking about me, just not me! Yup cute boy watching my boobs.

I HATE EVERYTHING

Just so you know. I fucking wasted this whole weekend!! Now it is 11:15 and i am working my ass off on something stupid
facebook isn't working for only FUCKING ME of course and I am still fucking PISSED about the Ravel thing!!!! NO FUCKING SHIT. I want a date i want to just lay around and meet men.

I don't want to eat but i guess i am hungry. If i am sooo hungry you think i could keep something anything fucking down. I feel like dying. I need someone to rub my shoulders and kiss me. I DID NOTHING FUCKING WRONG. I got my stupid ass boyfriend stolen by a fucking loser with small tits. Best PART neither one of them likes the other. They are just in it for the attention!!!!! THEY ARE MORONS!!!!! MORONSSSS!!! STUPID FUCKING MORONS! I wish i could stop thinking talking and acting on about this. I am so fucking sick of this shit.

I just want my life back. I know who knew about this all happening and they can go fuck themselves for not giving me a chance to work this out with Ravel. Now it's toooo fucking late.

I want to sleep in my bed. I want to be alone. I want to be by myself. I want to skip monday and sleep all day. Screen Printing after 6 hours of class. Sounds FUN!

I hate EVERYTHING!!

This Week

This week has been the worst week in my life. As i hear, it's been the worst for everyone. I did get new favorite quotes though. "I walked her home...I guess she forgot her shoes." but my number one will always be "You can't possibly understand how hard this week has been for me LAURA!" I know it's not funny to anyone else.

I don't know how i lived through this. But i am out the door almost. Still got my foot caught on that nail in the bottom frame that tells you you'll never get over it. I just need a new crush and with my eyes back on the men of UNT. I think i will be ok.

I still want a dark haired medium build/height kind of man. I'm not looking for another fucking serious relationship. I just wanna watch movies and do dates and get food and stuff. I've never been picked up for a date that could be fun. Dinner and a movie would be sooooo fucking cute. But i'll go for anything. I think i am going to try out for reality shows and try to get a Laura wants a Date Show.

Meeting men is hard. I say a cute one in the street and i didn't hit him with my car. So i think that should show i thought he was hot. There was a guy at walmart and another on the sideway at UNT. So i am feeling like meeting guys is the hardest part. There are plenty of cute boys in Denton. Plus UNT is huge. I think this will be nice single and looking and just having some open fun and going to hang out god knows where.

So far....

So this is what i can make of it, so far.

I really don't know what to make of it. I am alone. Ravel broke my heart. He broke it as much as he loved it. This wasn't my first love by far, but this was my greatest love. I know this sounds stupid, but i can't talk bad about him. I have been beaten and bruised, destroyed completely and abused, physical, sexually, and mentally. I've had boyfriends who hurt me and hated me, who controlled me and made me into nothing. Made me less then dirt. Made me without friends and family. Made me lose not only them but myself.

But Ravel is not one of any of those. He loved me and took care of me. My family is back in my life, i have tons of friends. I wouldn't know anyone in this apartment if i never met Ravel. When he and me had hard times, they would of been sweet times in my past relationships. He was selfish and ignored me sometimes yes. He was a bit of a pervert and really didn't define a true passion for anything besides tits. So he wasn't perfect. He made mistakes and sometimes i exaggerated it to be the worst i dealt with. However to my defense, you never tell a boyfriend what is truly this or that.

A past boyfriend tried to hit my father with his car. I never told Ravel as long as he thanked my dad for buying food and didn't hit him with his car... my father would love him.

However i lost all of that over not being selfish. I didn't want to hang out and drink and waste money over something i felt, he should have time to be with just friends. I am not needed at every moment of everyday. I know this. Even if i don't always use the best self control over it.

The point is, I can't be mad at Ravel. I really wish i could. I really wish i could do more then break a bunch of plates. Then show my angry over frying pans and the ceramic plates, bowels, salad plates and three little mugs.(15 piece set) But it was fun to think i bought a whole set of dishes with the sole purpose of destroying them.

I will miss him. He was the best boyfriend, to say the very least, the best man i have ever had in my life. Before him there was almost no me. If i feel this way and he dumped me like yesterday's news, how can i even think of being surprised over someone else wanting him. If i was looking in the perfect little life we had it would be easy to see it could be my own. It can't though. Without me, without him, we are missing one half of this perfect relationship. Simply filling in a spot with another random person will never get the same magical by chance outcome we got.

What i am saying is Ravel and me, Laura, had a real kind of love. One i would of done anything to keep a hold of, however i understand sometimes people make the wrong decision. This i believe was one of them for me. I think my best interest would have me where i should be, which is where i was. I can't decide for him.

Though there's not a lot of times i've been single in my life. So i am not just going to piss this off to the side. I also have not slept in two days, in fear that i will wake up and this will not just be some crazy dream. This might sound weird, my letter, i hope it does get my point across in the way i meant it.

Update.

I got dumped yesterday.

Today i found a girl in his closet.

No one loves me.

Just fuck facebook.

Fuck this whole stupid system. I should be in bed. But i feel like i have failed my mission for today.
I fucked up the only thing i loved about my day to day life. But if i really think about it i don't think this is more of my mistake. Mainly because i'm not boring, unattractive, and not at all interesting.
I am actually a really great girl. I am super cute and funny.
Regine and me are going to all these events in the next weeks to come. I have 40 dollars and i think i am going to spoil myself. I haven't decided what i deserve yet. I should get a treat. Pretty girls deserve gifts. When there is no one else to reward me, i shall reward myself.

I really hope he drops off my blanket and stuff tomorrow.

I am hungry. I shouldn't be up so late. Especially over something that was going to happen no matter what. I might as well enjoy this time i have by myself, i'm sure i will get trap in another world wind romance soon.

Is sitting in this boat alone.

That is all.

I am sick still after 2 months.

So i feel all kinds of sick. I wish i had my insurance card. I've been sick for two months and Ravel is hurt today it rained i just stayed home and did nothing. I still have homework to do. :( I can't even remember which classes i have tomorrow. I think it is weaving and crochet but i can't remember. My eyeballs want to fall outta their sockets and i might not stop them. My back hurts and i feel horrible today. I hate being sick. I hate people seeing me as sick. This stupid cough thing needs to hit the road for reals. Bye bye cough thanks for stopping by. Gross. I am going to do more homework. LAME!

Who the fuck does that?

There is a stupid bitch i am friends with on facebook and every fucking time i happen to run across her page she has a different fucking birthday. Just the day most of the time but one time its month was changed too.
What a Moron! You're birthday isn't a mood ring. It doesn't change. Who the fuck does that?
Maybe i am just a super bitch, but serious what a fucking moron. Not saying i like everything else about her but this is just one of those things that i can't understand. Are you really that fucking confused, if so drop out of college. You can't tell me this is a mistake every time. EVERY TIME, REALLY?

My birthday is July 3rd. No 2nd. 15th sounds cool. How about March, yeah March. No i'm going back the the 2nd of July instead. The 4th. Ok that's it, the 5th.
IT'S THE FUCKING 3RD. You have no choice if you didn't want that day you should of worked harder to get outta there, or you should of fucking held on till the day you were looking for. She was probably a cesarean section.

Whatever it's just proof of someone being a moron.

I have a good hold on reality.

I need to but i don't wanna sleep. I wanna read and drink and enjoy my life. I actually had a good day, take that sad faces. I am happy. I am happy again. I am happy with Ravel, my lover boy. Hot man candy too. Like this picture of us. Totally Real. Not a Lie.

I got a little drunk today and made 3 milk cake. I made it through my classes somehow again. I thought my Monday was my Tuesday and so the other way around. I am reading a new book. NO! No its not a romance novel. (Mostly because i am a third through and still no romance) But it does have Fabio. I need to get back into reading. Sleeping alone does allow some reading to get in. Though i didn't do that. I printed photos and told Ravel i love him a million times.

Everytime i have picked a book to read i just feel like i've been down this book's story and i drop it. Not funny all fiction. All crazy fiction. Meat Packaging is the only not romantic/ should i marry, should i grow myself as a woman bullshit. I am outta that area i believe. I don't even want to read my Warhol Diaries and i worked months to find and get that book in such great shape. Popism too. Whatever. I need to sleep but there is an update.