Monday, June 8, 2009

Flowers would be a nice start.

Am i really that bad? How come when one things comes apart, everything else gets loose while you fix the distraction? I used to feel like i held all these balloons, but every time i look up it seems like i am holding one less.

My dreams keep getting up and leaving the room, one by one. I am going to keep on with this so get use to it or stop reading.

I talk to myself, on the bus, in my head, out the window. I hate seeing children. I was such a reject of a child. I can imagine what the adults who talked to me than thought out me. I turned out great. I thought it was possible to love someone with all the love in your heart and ask for nothing in return and so you would get it. I didn't realize i had all the hoops to jump through and once you think you made it, they want you to go back. This time they are only higher and on fire.
I am not an animal. I am logical and smart and well raised/ put together, but i really wanted to punch the fuck out of my problem yesterday. I wasn't violent to the bastard who abused me for years. But i'll be fucking damn if i'll have another mental destroy me again.

Every mother fucker who comes in my life is a selfish, indecent little bastard who doesn't get a dam about me and what i care about. My stuff, my things, and my feelings- none of them deserve to be stepped on.

I just wanna cry. I just want to go back in time and make everything right like it should of been. Sometimes i don't want this at all. I want someone who takes care of me and returns what i do for them. Sometimes the only person in the world i think i really want is me.

I am still thinking over the idea of that though. On one hand i like where i am and on the other i like it better where i was.

No one cares about me like i do them. I never anyone's number one. Everyone is my number one. I can't let this happen again. If i can't be made happy in the next couple of days, I think i am going to have to do it all myself again.

I am glad i kicked him out in general, I wish i was able to last night. I just can't be left. It has to be me who leaves or i lose it again. I hate being left by someone terrible. It's like them saying them could do better than me. No one has ever done better than me, as a matter of fact. Most have not had a girl since me. They all want more and no one just leaves me by choice. They mess up and i punish them. When i am done, life continues to on my behalf.

I'll be damn if it continues. I'm not stupid i see everything going on and what's happening. I hope all of them rot in the deepest pits of hell, to say the least.

That's all i'm saying for now.

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