Sunday, October 4, 2009

Underneath this bitch, is a heartbroken little girl.

I hate when it all hits you after a break-up. I always have so much to do. I can't handle this at the moment God gives it to me. Things are slowing down in the anger side at least. That bitch finally shut the fuck up for a few days. So that's been nice. But without contact, in which i said would be best, I am starting to realize what damage has been done. To me and my ego, to me and my life. There use to be a beauty life here.
How do people live with themselves? How do we destroy beautiful things and just walk on like there is a well deserved tomorrow? I wish i didn't live in these times. I wish i lived in a more understanding time of what the moral rules are. How do you destroy this and think about moving on to a life of meaningless hook ups and no one who really loves you? I gave you my heart once again and it's been broken, once again. I am tired of even the great boys showing me, how much they can fuck up their lives.
I feel like i shouldn't try this again. I can find me someone to crush on that i could actually like being with, or even actually meet. I can't just be selfish and live for myself alone either. I become hateful at myself for not aiming to please anyone or at least trying. I can't just live to make myself happy. I don't understand how people do that all the time. I don't understand how you go out and eat alone in a restaurant. I don't understand how you can wait to hear about someone's day.
Who is going to drink my coffee flavored starbucks on the rainy days? A room full of friends and i still feel alone. I need to have that person who gets me without words. I've had three people who loved me and got it. Who care more about me than i could do myself. All found another to ruin this with. All of them were my friends. What do i do that is so horrible, that no one wants to just drink coffee and love me?
I need to let go of others. I need to live for only me. I need to be selfish.
I don't want to meet people. I don't want to make new friends. I don't want to fill my void. Not by him or anyone else. I just want to lay in my room and drink coffee and not go to class anymore. I don't want it to stop raining. I want it to be cloudy until i die. I don't want to cry in supermarkets.
I just want to be left alone.

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