There is always going to be another mountain.

Ok so i didn't go anywhere. In 15 minutes though i am going to pick up ravel from work and get some food. He said he would drive me to the fibers building. I hate lab work. I wish i could take things home and work on them there, in front of the tv or at 3 in the morning. I don't want to work at 1 till 8.

I need to buy tights for this party tonight. I am excited. I don't really know to many people who are going to be there. Hopefully the people i do know still go. I think i have an idea for an outfit for tommorrows engagement party.

Sometimes, I am jealous of my sister. I wish i found the one. I want to have someone who will always be there and to fight with me through whatever. I am however glad i am not pregnant. Because that is scary as fucking hell. She is having a boy, which is ideal. I need to make her a blanket. She is going to be a great mom. I am happy for her.

I just want to get married and travel and make art for a living. Nothing else. I am too nervous and worrisome to date around and be all independent in my free woman making choices. I think that might be the best way to put it. I think i am at least just too worried right now.

I don't know. It seems scary meeting people and showing yourself. Allowing strangers in. I know everyone i know know i only met within the last three years. I mean i even live with people i only met within three years. But i am still nervous. I worry i will become like my mother. My mother doesn't like to meet people or make new friends it seems, and my dad always needs company. I am somewhere in between. I don't like to meet a lot of new people, someone else has to like them first you know, I am nervous.

I am also sick right now and words are annoying me. I don't know if i am making sense. I need to eat.

Work and Sleep problems

I feel sick and i have so much work to do. Mainly because i have to go outta town tomorrow. I need to work today and i know i do but i don't want to. My head hurts and i don't feel good. Whatever i am going, I'm going.
But i don't want to. I am just saying.

Amy Winehouse, of course.

So i have been listening to Amy Winehouse. I really like Back in Black. I feel like i relate even though i really don't. I've never been the other woman, or an alcoholic. I find it funny, since i am on the complete other side of this song. I love everything about Amy Winehouse. I think sometimes God makes jokes only i get.
I really wish i had this record on vinyl, i think it is by far one of my favorite records. I love everything on Back to Black. I think it is perfect. I would wait forever for another perfect record from Amy Winehouse. I would also be ok if she hid out and never made another one. This is a good note to drop off on.
There are only a few records that i can say i love everything on. I mean i think the Eurythmics, Savage is probably the best but i really only love side B truly and fully. I think that side will always understand me, but side A. I can't even tell you what is on it. It's no side B.
I fully and always can listen to only a few records, Amy Winehouse is one that i just love. Is what i am saying.
I don't have a great taste in music, so i don't talk about it to much. I pretty much love people who happen to make music and i like that because it is them. Like Lady Gaga. If i didn't see her at the Miss Universe, i can't say i would of been so addicted so fast.
Proof is after Beyonce's diva i looked her up more because that werid electro shit is what i want. I think i generally just like female artists over males. Sometimes i realize i have listened to a male in a while and i try to make myself.
Ok that is my spill on music. I need to quit before someone realizes i actually think Miley Cyrus is cool.

I'm pretty gangsta myself.

So we went to Oklahoma it was ok. It was Oklahoma. I mean it wasn't no Texas or anything.

So we left and when to the outlet mall at Gainesville, TX. I bought two gangsta shirts. So cute. I almost bought a shirt with a math book and calculator, it said "I got a problem!" "YO, i'll solve it." But it was more math than Vanilla Ice. Also there was a Lady Gaga shirt. I KNOW! I didn't buy it because my gaint hot tits got in the way and you couldn't read it right. I hate that. One time, i tried on a yoshi shirt and he looked like a floating head. Price of being hot though, huh.

So after that i got vanilla peanut butter fudge which was awesome. So we ate sucky sonic food. They were serving old fryer stuff. That's gross.

Then Oklahoma. We went to the Winstar right on the other side of the Red River. I doubled my money and Ravel won his back at backjack. Then we ate at Fera's in Gainesville. It was really nice.

We came home and hung out with my roomies. This weekend was really nice. I didn't do shit which will kill me this weekend. BUT i am feeling better not so stressed. I need to go to sleep soon lots to do tomorrow morning. I didn't do my felting either. Shit. I hope that isn't due tomorrow.

I'm outta this STATE!

TODAY IS THE ROAD TRIP!!!!
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
I LOVE ROAD TRIPS!
I'm going to cause some trouble and write about it tonight!!!

Don't wait up!

"I'm a trouble maker, a real muther fucker."

There's going to be a road trip. This weekend. I need to get outta this town/state. Ravel and me both. We are leaving this weekend and going to see the world. He'll take pictures and i'm going to get us into no good. I'm a trouble maker, a real muther fucker. I can't wait. I want to go right now. We might go Saturday and we might go on Friday. I want to go NOOOOOOOW! I am tired of this town already. I want to escape.

I am really glad Ravel and me are friends. Best FRIENDS Forever. I am going to make Marie Antoinette themed B.F.F. bracelets. :P

He painted a big giant watercolor of me. I think it is funny we both did our mixed medias on each other. I wonder if he'll make one about his bike accident too.

So recap. Me and my BFF. ROAD TRIP. Where? WHERE EVER WE WANT. YAY!!

This fucking week.

So this week. I am so tired and yet still have so much to do. Ugh. My Screen Print sucks. Whatever. I don't care at this point i messed up so much i can't go back now.
So my weaving is beautiful though. I need to screen print it though. SHIT!

I feel like this.

I am a she wolf and i need to go out. I like all kinds of poppy trash.
I feel like i am always just laying around the house.

I need to/ want to work on my halloween costume now.

I love the weather.

So things have changed again. This time i don't know if it is for the better.
I hate that. I just want be giant signs thats like NO! or YES! You know. But i think God is putting me in the right direction and i am starting to see all the good that might come out of this break-up. It only took 24 hours of laying in the dark by myself. But i got it right.

I think things are going to be better now that this happened. But i don't know.

I still need to find someone to take me putt putting. Or to the movies. dinner and a movie.
How adorable!

I am going to be late for class.

Underneath this bitch, is a heartbroken little girl.

I hate when it all hits you after a break-up. I always have so much to do. I can't handle this at the moment God gives it to me. Things are slowing down in the anger side at least. That bitch finally shut the fuck up for a few days. So that's been nice. But without contact, in which i said would be best, I am starting to realize what damage has been done. To me and my ego, to me and my life. There use to be a beauty life here.
How do people live with themselves? How do we destroy beautiful things and just walk on like there is a well deserved tomorrow? I wish i didn't live in these times. I wish i lived in a more understanding time of what the moral rules are. How do you destroy this and think about moving on to a life of meaningless hook ups and no one who really loves you? I gave you my heart once again and it's been broken, once again. I am tired of even the great boys showing me, how much they can fuck up their lives.
I feel like i shouldn't try this again. I can find me someone to crush on that i could actually like being with, or even actually meet. I can't just be selfish and live for myself alone either. I become hateful at myself for not aiming to please anyone or at least trying. I can't just live to make myself happy. I don't understand how people do that all the time. I don't understand how you go out and eat alone in a restaurant. I don't understand how you can wait to hear about someone's day.
Who is going to drink my coffee flavored starbucks on the rainy days? A room full of friends and i still feel alone. I need to have that person who gets me without words. I've had three people who loved me and got it. Who care more about me than i could do myself. All found another to ruin this with. All of them were my friends. What do i do that is so horrible, that no one wants to just drink coffee and love me?
I need to let go of others. I need to live for only me. I need to be selfish.
I don't want to meet people. I don't want to make new friends. I don't want to fill my void. Not by him or anyone else. I just want to lay in my room and drink coffee and not go to class anymore. I don't want it to stop raining. I want it to be cloudy until i die. I don't want to cry in supermarkets.
I just want to be left alone.

I need some sleep and to stop crying.

So today was nice and fine and i got stuff done and all but i missed my best friend. :(

I missed him a ton. I know he need a worldly break and all, but i super missed him.

I watched grey's anatomy and it make me realize what step i am on in all of this. I don't really like myself for it. But i don't really want to move off it either. So i will just stand still for now.

I need sleep. I wish my mother visited today.
I am jealous he got to be with his people who love him more than anything. I saw my dad and it was good, but my mommy is my mommy. I hope i can go home next weekend and just lay around my house and eat good food.

I am probably going to move back home next year. To finish off my last semester and find a job. I can't imagine still living in denton. Even though it would be cool.
I need sleep. good night.

Laura and Ravel, BFFs.

So it's been quiet which is super nice. I helped Ravel clean his room for his mother, sister, and sister's boyfriend. He rewarded me with pizza from hot box. That's the best kind of reward. I am glad me and him are still friends. I hope someday we can forget this ever happened. Yesterday we talked about it a little still. But a lot of talk was on what we look for in a person and why we think stuff is more important to us personally. We also made fun of each other for wanting to find someone with things. Like how I want someone with bad taste in music like me, who loves halloween to much and likes to drink starbucks all day, who doesn't run through the rain. And he wants a girl who is a loud mouth with long hair and nice tits. Mine, looks like what a woman wants and his is more manly. We also have things like someone who lays around but is quick to think up a plan, someone you can laugh with and understands you and all those good wholesome things you want in a person.
He said he doesn't know if he wants to play the field or look for love and i told him i wanted cheesy dates with nothing serious.
Mainly i am glad that after everything we are still friends. I hope it last past cheesy dates and playing the field. I don't want to end it after we find somebody else, and i am honestly worried it could happen. But we are older and smarter and full of good humor and that does get me hope. Because my last lets just be friends really wasn't any of those things.

His family came over last night and said hi and asked about my foot and how i was feeling and i felt like they didn't hate me. I was scared i wasn't going to be accepted anymore. I know i didn't do anything wrong in our relationship and that temptation and possibles just got the best of Ravel, but he is their baby and i always fear that i will no matter what not be liked anymore. I wish they knew how hard i tried and would still like me. I think they at least like me still and that's honestly what i want more.

I have so much work to catch up on today.
dent my reed
dye my warp
write my artist statement
finish my white sheet project
write my hop paper

tomorrow
i heddle
do one through eight
write my bibliography for weaving.

Blogspot States....

Someone is posting about me

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So i never spoke a name of whatever girl if there was even a girl. Whoever this random girl maybe! If she is even real. Maybe this is a part of a creative story for one of my classes. Or ideas for pieces of art. The point being if some other crazy egotistical girl somehow heard about this shit from some retarded asshole friend, then its not my problem and nothing can be done about everyone having a big ass ego and thinking i am talking about them. Maybe i am talking about me!

So I would like if this crazy ego manic stop reading my blogs of creativity and also stopped sending me emails and texts which i actually can take to the police and have something done about this.