Tuesday, May 19, 2009

"Some seemed like enough."

Well today sucked, but why wouldn't it?

My project came out lame, i don't like dye. I like pigments. Straight froward sharp pigments none of that weird ass four hour dye bullshit.

I slept for five hours after school and somehow thing that should allow me to be lame and not go to bed until after midnight. I would bet a dollar however that i am late for class in doing so.

So putting mushrooms on things seems to fix whatever art related problems i have.

Yesterday, while i can still call it that. I made some super neat print. With of course pigment and no mushrooms. I but octopuses and other Laura and Ravel related symbols.

I wish Dead Like Me would load fast enough that i could watch it without the feeling of needing to do other things. Like write random last minute thoughts into an online blog. But at last it does not. You however seem to bored or could i even say interested, no i take that back, to get a shit.

Ravel is out. I wish my summer was being funner, like his. I feel like i hit a time wrap and ended up in kindergarten again. I know WTF? but really, i take a sack lunch with a pizza lunchable, it's the same time of day and honestly all day i only work for my professor to notice i'm doing something and praise me. I really am that lame. I eat by myself everyday, as i decided not to make friends since i honestly think i am really bad at that.

I find myself thinking about running off and living in a new town by myself, getting a job and not being with people. I don't do good with friends. Especially when they have to grow up and live a life i'm no longer a huge part of.

I wish it would just stay crappy 2nd year forever. Luriel and me hanging out in the lobby, with all the lobby people. All my friends, I made a ton of friends all at once and now BAM! gone. Graduating, Apartments, Growing up, and leaving me behind. Jessica wouldn't visit me and all i want is to see her.

Almost 12. I'm going to ruin everything. My bedtime and tomorrow i'll be late because of it. The front door has opened three times and none of which were for me. No one answers their phones. I don't answer mine either but that is also why i said no one.

It's sad to think i only have 50 in savings. I could drive as far as i could and never find a place to sleep with that. Not a place i would accept. Stupid ugly girls have funner times during their late teens and definitely when they should be in college. I looked up the stupid ugly girl i made fun of most of my high school career.

She still lives with her parents and smokes crack. She is still just as ugly and probably even stupider, and i would bet money she cries at night when she checks my myspace and finds out i'm in college and living the "life." However it still pisses me off that i was born with all these blacks and whites, goods and evils, morals and shit that i think it is fun to sleep somewhere bedsides my physical bed. That i wake up at night and think how it would be wrong for me not to have children because it's too selfish, however good because i am keeping "them" from harm and dangers in the world. Who else at this age gives a fuck about where or not it is right to raise children? If i do have children/ child, Everything has to change. All my fucking plans, i finally outta fucking no where decided i should have.

This created a new fear. I had no plans because Ravel was doing to dump me and i wasn't going to have a live with him anyhow and then it was our one year dating thing and now i have plans.

We will make it to two years and then it will end. Everyone leaves after 2 years of me. Boyfriends, but most of all friends. That's the problem of making a ton of new friends at once.

"It's ten shades of suck that's what it is"

It still is not done loading but i think i am done whinnying. So...

night. i'll tell you if i was late tomorrow.

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